Posted in Thinkingoutloud

Alone Pt 1

The aftermath of a break up is usually the question – Why?

Staring at you like a lost puppy who’s sad that you won’t let it stay.

Upset and confused as to how two grown and most times,

highly educated individuals fowl up at such an extraordinary degree.

All you had to do was just love the one you claim to love

But we all know that that isn’t as easy as it soundsas it looks

You have to disarm nuclear stock piles.

Draft, implement and police the never ending tides of someone else’s emotions.

All this while defend your own feeling just to have a speck of happiness.

And that’s where you and find ourselves at the end of a firing squad.squard

 

It isn’t all bad…. some of us are lucky to find that person who gets our quirkiness.

Loves how different we are and how much we love them.

It’s a beautiful thing this thing called love….but on the flipside

It is better to live your whole life window shopping than to get the Elton John outfit that he never wanted.ejohn That’s too flashy, too expensive and most of all too big to fit our tiny existence.

 

Where we fail is always trying to reach for individuals who make us feel a particular type of way.

You have no genuine interest in that person.

You just like the companionship and the attention.

You just like having someone saying that they love being with you.

Apart from that, there’s nothing tangible or intangible to keep you two together.

So that disconnect becomes the catalyst for the turmoil that is going to descend up your relationship (or the lack there of) like a fat lady at a buffet.

Eating away at everything that you thought was solid in the relationship.

Now you begin to see things for what they are….and most of us see it coming before it happens

“The break up”…break…the part of life that takes away all desire to continue living.

Particularly if you did everything to make it work….well at least you thought you did

Now what?

Now comes the wallowing, trying to come to terms with what just happened, you place these walls around you, insulating yourself from the crap that comes with moving on.

So you stand still waiting on that special person to snap you out of this death grip that rejection has placed on your heart. Dying to belong but too weak to call out.

Wanting to go back but knowing nothing good is going to come out of it….or they just didn’t want you back, either way, you are alone and afraid.afarid

Stumbling through life with a chip on your shoulder – hurt with no Bae in sight.

Just some comfort food, sappy love songs and reruns of your favorite shows you two watched together.

Just a sad and pathetic remnant of your former self, before you got with whomever that idiot was.

Before you lost your voice, when the probability of finding that special someone was vast and all but certain.

Only to find out that it was all an illusion……happily ever after is not a given it takes a lot of hard work and someone who is willing to work that hard with you.

Now you’re alone waiting on that person

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Posted in Thinkingoutloud

Rays

images

Inspiration comes from anywhere

Particularly when you are not looking
from something as mundane as dust
or the dew of dawn coming to announce the morning
Captivating with smiles and laughter
A bruised heart and a dark soul
That has been Illuminated by a face on a rare flower
Was so impulsive and inattentive

Yet I recollect an image so vivid

It painted my dark sky with giggles

And my dreams with fluff

Made my despair nonexistent

My trepidation a path

That leads to great depths of discomfort

Or joy beyond what my mind could ever grasp

A tittle wave of beauty and innocence unchained
Thankful that I caught your ray of sunshine

The source is left nameless

Posted in Thinkingoutloud

Loosing your Voice

There’s something beautiful and innocent about young love.y love

A blank canvas with a multitude of possibilities.

All that is needed is that untainted desire for your significant other.

Eyes, mind and body have not yet been poisoned by the cancerous inevitabilities of life.

Trusting that your love is wanted, appreciated and reciprocated in the way that you would want, is all that really matters.

At least from this writer’s perspective.

I witnessed this budding flower in its radiant splendor on my way home one night.

A young couple, two seats away from me, are so entangled in each other’s arms that the presence of any other passenger on the bus is totally oblivious to them.scent-of-love

Lost in the euphoria, that come with the feel of your significant other’s embrace, from where I sat, makes them seem so happy….in that instance you can almost taste the love in the air.

Which took my mind on a tangent thinking of all the different aspects of a relationship.

How do two individuals with completely world-apart lifestyles form such a beautiful bond?

How does that come about?

You find the one that you’re interested in – hopefully they share that sentiment.

You two spend loads of time together and next thing you know you’re their emergency contact.

Before her/him, you had ambitions, a direction in which you wanted your life to go.

How does that just change?

How can someone just hijack your life?images

Is it the sweet nothings nibbling away at what was once a great wall of defense?

The soft touches easing all concerns out of the way, placing someone else’s emotions ahead of yours

Or the realization that this person is far from ordinary.

Maybe all of them are true

I have no idea.

I have seen people give of themselves to a relationship to no avail.

I have also seen other do almost nothing to become the sole heir of another’s heart.

Either of these can last a life time, which is usually to the detriment of the giver.

But some people loose themselves and give till there is nothing left to give

Others will take until there’s nothing left to have.steal

There is very little restitution when love goes wrong,

You either learn from your mistakes or it cripples you.

How does one find solace in this sea of emotional carnage?

How will these two young birds stand against the winds that are coming?

It’s usually a sink or swim situation for most people.

Your first love is always your first love, and relationships don’t come with handbooks.

You might seek guidance….and there are many that may give you great advice but you are still going to have to deal with a situation you have never been in, on your own. onown

Make life altering decision..on your own. They might not seem that way at first but you find yourself pushing stuff back to appease your soul mate only to find out that they didn’t share those feeling you thought they did.

Now you have to start all over.

The opposite is the same….you push things back to appease your soul mate and get pulled further up than you could have gotten on your own. 

Now your vantage point is different.

I consider it loose our voices because in relationships, speaking is the primary form of communication. When you go against your nature, when you favor some of your partners idiosyncrasies as oppose to yours, the compromise becomes the loss, for better or for worst.

You become a “We” instead of an “I” and that’s sometimes a very beautiful thing but we all have to be careful who we loose our voices for.

Posted in Loss, Love

So Gone

I’m physically holding you in my arms
And can feel the distance between us
You marooned me on this island
Close enough for your comfort
Just far enough to evade my touch
Saying all the right things to keep me here
Doing everything else to get me to leave
Enjoying the sunset without me
Meanwhile I’m seating here on your couch
chained to your scent
Regretting that I let my guard down.
Now I hate sunsets

Posted in Love

Exchanging Notes

ex notes 1

 

I can only explain how I see you

If only you tell me what my eyes should see

Absorbing the temperature of the water through my open wound

Still not afraid of the pain

Just terrified at the outcome

Cold stares mixed with lust and tainted dreams

Makes the morning after it ends

The answer to her question “Why all these concrete walls”

I saw the semblance of something good

A plea for companionship

I said “What your eyes should see is a cove

But this cove is not for any ship”

Only a vessel capable of decimating these barriers

I’m on the verge of letter go so let your now and forever speak

Need you to lift me from this peak of self-ostracism

I seek new love, new expectations

New life to my ever dwindling optimism

What I want from you is what you should want from me…Everything

Let’s exchange our ideas and outlooks on life

Our fears and fractured beliefs on how things should be

Our demands on today and forever

Let’s exchange a you and an I

For Us

Posted in Thinkingoutloud

Tomorrow

degeneration-burning-house

 

Looking forward takes hope from me

Closing my eyes feeling the wind on my face

Trying to replace the thoughts of anguish with memories of joy

But that joy brings more hate

Disdain for the trace of any thought of your slayer breathing

Over powers my value for human life

 

Took away your breathing

They placed you in a box

They placed my Mento in a hole

 

Therapeutic the dismantling of words

Horrific the conjuring of verbs to elaborate further

the reality that you are not here

Not smiling like you used to

Not accommodating my antics

So calm but so frantic and lost in my own inability to accept the truth

 

They took away your breathing

They placed you in a box

My Mento is no in a hole

 

So no more emerald in the distance

Crimson reign over all I see

Maroon on the plain white surface that is their thoughts

Having the impudence to conceive such a notion

Laying fire to a blooming field

Castrating our demands on tomorrow

 

When they stop you from breathing?

And placed you in a box

 

TearsCrying face

Posted in Love

Love Note 6

image

Hating  you in the dark
Or making love with the lights on
Lips against mine is like dancing to the right song
The right note can change your perception
I want to be in tune with your heart beat
Only if it beats for me